Are You Not Sufficiently Comfy?
by Matt Perrett
Summary: A highly unusual machine empire comes to claim a world, and the result is nothing like what its leader could have ever expected.


The war was over. Even calling it a war was laughable by any definition of the word. As Premier, Benevita had crushed opposition to her rule as casually as the invaders had defeated her forces. The navy had been subdued within minutes, the enemy fleet outnumbering them fifty to one. Zelvan scientists and engineers had only recently managed space travel, and so they were completely unprepared for FTL-capable spacecraft warping in from the interstellar void. Most of the fleet had been disabled and dragged into the bellies of the largest ships, for what sinister purpose she could not fathom. All the data indicated that the invaders were not even alive.

A space-faring race of sapient machines. The thought of it made her fur ripple with fear. What could they want with her world? Anything was possible with artificial intelligence. Biological concerns were of no importance to them, and their goals and aims could be unimaginable to living beings. Would they forcibly assimilate her people into their collective? Would they convert the proud Zelvan race into organic batteries? Or would they simply exterminate every lifeform and convert the planet to a sterile machine world? Her doom was approaching, and she had no idea which form it would take.

Benevita had built a reputation for ruthlessness, and she had considered ordering her troops to hold back the invaders at any cost. However, even she knew that their lives would only buy her an embarrassingly small amount of time. She had also considered ending her life herself – several members of her cabinet had already do so – but she was not weak. Afraid, yes, but never weak. Besides, despite her fear, she found herself curious about what the invaders wanted. Death drew near, but she would know why.

Assuming they bothered to communicate that to her, that is.

The machines were approaching the palace now, and she was unable to suppress another fear-ripple. The surviving cabinet members and her personal guard didn't even bother trying to hide their terror. The robots had no visible weaponry, but the uniformity of their appearance and the near absence of sound when they moved nonetheless lent them an aura of intimidation. The fact that they stood a good bit taller than most Zelvans didn't help either.

With an abruptness and precision impossible for living beings, the invaders came to a halt five meters from where she was standing. Now that they were closer, she could see that they were less alien than she had expected. They were, at least, shaped like bipeds and didn't seem to possess any overtly horrifying features. One of the machines in the front stepped forward after a brief pause, indistinguishable from the others except that its lights were green instead of blue. It advanced until it was only two meters away, and then it, too, stopped. An interminable, tangible silence filled the air, and in that silence Benevita could hear her rapid heartbeat thundering in her ears.

The machine broke the silence first. "You do not look COMFY."

"What?" Benevita said, taken aback.

"You do not look COMFY," it repeated. "We apologize for your lack of COMFINESS."

At a loss for words, it took her a while to formulate a response. "Comfiness? I don't understand—"

"Your COMFINESS levels are dangerously low. We will correct this error, and then you will understand." It half-turned back to its fellow machines and, clearly more for her benefit than out of necessity, said, "Bring out the Pamperizer™."

Benevita didn't know what a 'pamperizer' was or what 'TM' meant, but she was quite sure that she wasn't going to like it.

Like a wave, the assembled machines parted before some advancing object as it passed through them before returning to their original positions. The object floated forward by itself, hovering in the air by means of some unknown technology. Closer and closer it came, until finally it came near enough for her to realize that it was—

...an armchair?

The chair smoothly glided to a stop in front of her, the technology that levitated it so quiet that she couldn't hear any sound coming from it. She ran a finger over the exquisitely soft fabric, then glanced up at the machine representative questioningly.

"The Pamperizer™ model 406Z," it stated in its dry robotic monotone. "The ultimate all-in-one personal conveyance system, it provides unmatched levels of both convenience and COMFINESS. Why settle for one when you can have it all?"

It paused briefly before speaking again. "The Pamperizer™ model 406Z was specifically designed for Zelvan physiology. GMCP research and observation drones studied Zelvan language, culture, and biology extensively in preparation for GMCP arrival. Focus groups formed after GMCP arrival worked out minor bugs, which helped to ensure high consumer satisfaction ratings."

"Who are you?" asked Benevita, growing increasingly mystified. "Who do you want from us?"

"Please sit in the Pamperizer™. Once your COMFINESS levels are no longer critical, this unit will explain further."

The Zelvan leader stared at the machine for several long seconds, knowing full well that it was as possible to read its intentions as it was to stare at a wall and decipher what it wanted for breakfast. She did not allow herself to look back at the frightened group behind her. Her people would perceive such a gesture as a sign of weakness. Instead, she steeled her will and eased herself into the chair.

Almost immediately, the weight of the world on her shoulders lessened dramatically. The chair was, as the machine had said, _extremely_ comfortable. It felt as if it had been molded for her unique frame and hers alone. To her surprise, a massage system started automatically, working on tense muscles all over her body.

"We are the Galactic Maximum COMFINESS Project," the machine said as the massager went to work. "Our purpose is to ensure maximum COMFINESS levels for all organic sapients in our care. This unit is the lead COMFINESS assessor for this sector. You may refer to this unit as LCA01, if you wish."

The machine battalion parted again to reveal a parade of additional Pamperizers, one for each of the Zelvans present. The politicians needed no further prompting and quickly settled into their personal chairs, oohing and aahing over the plush upholstery and eagerly experimenting with the features. The soldiers took more convincing, but before long they, too, were all seated. The sight of grizzled veterans clutching their weapons while reclining in floating armchairs, some of them with huge grins plastered on their faces, was almost farcical.

Something the machine had said before suddenly clicked in Benevita's mind. "Focus groups? You mean our soldiers you captured?"

LCA01 shook its head, an unexpected gesture. "They were not captured. They needed to be cared for, and GMCP databases needed up-to-date information. Their COMFINESS levels are now within acceptable limits." It lowered its head, and Benevita was surprised again when its tone became almost sad. "However, this unit understands how GMCP actions must have been perceived from your perspective. Loss of life was evitable with GMCP arrival. We regret that we temporarily decreased Zelvan COMFINESS levels."

Benevita involuntarily tensed up at the reminder of all her allies who had committed suicide before the machines had landed. The automatic masseuse, which she hadn't noticed had stopped, turned on again in response.

The machine representative lifted its head. "Are you not sufficiently COMFY?"

The AI was perceptive; she had to give it that. Being a career politician, she was able to squeeze out a tear, and then proceeded to milk it for all it was worth. "I was just thinking of all my noble citizens who, fearing slavery and genocide, chose to end their own lives rather than face an unknown and terrifying future." She felt quite pleased with her performance and how much emotion she had managed to muster up.

"GMCP COMFYizers have prevented 16,394 suicides to date," LCA01 reassured her. "They are now receiving trauma counselling and pampering. This unit's primary concern is ensuring that your COMFINESS levels remain high."

A small hovering machine floated over to Benevita. A few seconds later, a hatch on the top slid open and a transparent cup containing a colorful liquid emerged.

"What's this?" she asked.

"Yumalicious™," the machine leader replied. "There is no better way to appreciate the beauty and magic of life than with a tall, refreshing glass of Yumalicious™, the most relaxing beverage in the galaxy. Now formulated for Zelvan nutritional requirements and sensory organs."

Benevita watched at the server machine extended a pair of flexible appendages. One tapped a button on her armrest which caused a tray to unfold from within the chair, and the other dexterously placed the cup on the tray. She glanced down at the cup, then back up at the server.

It chirped expectantly, sounding an awful lot like a popular Zelvan pet species. She had never really cared about them much one way or the other, but the robotic imitation was undeniably cute. She somehow got the feeling that it would be disappointed if she didn't try the drink.

A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth before she could stop herself, and she picked up the glass. She admired the liquid for a long moment, appreciating the way all eleven colors of the rainbow were visible, swirling around and shifting without ever mixing. Then she tilted the cup back and took a sip.

Oh... _oh_! That was _good_. The smile came back, and this time she made no effort to suppress it. She exhaled happily, and marveled when a faint rainbow drifted out of her mouth and into the breeze. She sipped the drink again, and the second taste was just as delightful as the first. She barely noticed the machines passing out more rainbow-filled cups and armchairs to the rest of the crowd, which was growing larger as more people wandered in to see what was going on. They were promptly pampered.

"The Personal Entertainment and Culinary Explorer™," the machine leader exposited as it gestured to the server, "is your guide to the wonderful world of the Pamperizer™. Learn all about its myriad features over a refreshing glass of Yumalicious™ and a fabulous hand-synthesized meal. With its nearly inexhaustible and infinitely customizable menu, you could go a lifetime without enjoying the same dish twice."

On cue, the server extracted a steaming plate and deposited it on her tray, interrupting her thoughts about what exactly 'hand-synthesized' meant. Benevita let out a small gasp when she saw what was on it. How long had they been observing her world to know what this meal meant to her? Time-consuming and difficult to prepare, it had been a labor of love from her mother, one that grew less and less common over the years as the aquatic animal that was the main ingredient grew rarer and rarer. Eventually the beleaguered animal went extinct, and artificial versions of it had never lived up to her expectations or her memories. She had kept trying every year or so in the hopes that the scientists and chefs would finally get it right, but she had always been left with the bitter taste of disappointment.

The machines must be supremely confident, she thought, to present her with this meal of all meals. She only hoped that they were not overconfident.

Hands trembling in anticipation, she picked up the utensils that had been prepared for her and cut off a bite. She raised the bite to her lips, put it in her mouth, and chewed.

It was everything she had hoped it would be. The smells, the flavors, the textures...everything was just right. It almost felt like a betrayal to think it, but she was sure that it was even better than her late mother's cooking. That was when she noticed that her cheek-fur was wet, and she realized that she was crying.

"This is—" Her voice came out raw with emotion, and she took a moment to compose herself. "This is wonderful. Simply wonderful." Even through blurry eyes, she knew her perception of the machines had changed. She wasn't exactly sure how she thought of them yet, but they definitely weren't invaders. If they could get _this_ right, then perhaps they could be trusted with her comfiness after all.

Maybe her understanding of the machines was growing, because LCA01 seemed satisfied. "Please, eat. You can speak to this unit further once you have finished."

Benevita nodded gratefully and dug into her meal. She had to force herself to slow down as much as possible and savor each bite, as she knew she could devour the whole thing in record time. When she was done, she wiped her mouth with a napkin while her server unit cleaned up the dishes. She let out a contented burp, and for the first time in a long time she didn't care if anyone had heard her.

"Are you sufficiently COMFY?" the machine representative asked.

"Oh yes, LCA01, I am very comfy indeed," she replied with a broad smile. "This is not at all how I expected this day to go, but I'm so very glad that I was wrong."

"Perhaps you would like to watch a vidstream next while we prepare your chambers?" The server pressed another button on the armrest to reveal a large screen. "GalacticNet™ has VODs and streams from all 41 GMCP-pampered systems, as well as books, music, and all other forms of entertainment. All translated into Zelvan for your convenience and COMFINESS, of course. GalacticNet™: the collective knowledge and culture of the galaxy at your fingertips."

Benevita laughed. "Thank you, but not now. I've been away from my office for far too long, and the government isn't going to run itself. Work to be done, you know."

"Work?" LCA01 queried. "There is no need for work. That is our responsibility now."

She gave the machine an odd look. "No work? Then what are we supposed to do all day?"

"Relax," it stated simply. "Watch the vidstreams. Eat. Sleep. Make love. Read a book. Write a book. Paint. Explore nature. Climb a mountain, either in perfect safety or with the illusion of danger. Do whatever you wished you could do if only you had the time. Now, you and all Zelvans have that time."

Apparently noticing that she was not completely convinced, the machine leader walked forward and made the traditional Zelvan gesture for striking a deal. "We can continue this discussion tomorrow. The light is fading, and you are tired."

She was, she had to admit, bushed. Smiling, she returned the gesture to seal the deal. "Agreed. Tomorrow, LCA01."

* * *

Benevita glanced at the clock, startled to see how late it was. Had it really been a week since the arrival of the GMCP? The last nine days had flown by. She still hadn't had her meeting with LCA01 about the GMCP's role in the administration. She kept meaning to press for it, but there were endless distractions and discoveries that took her mind off important matters and sent it spinning into the cosmos. She was learning about the cultures and histories of dozens of civilizations she hadn't known existed a week before, thanks to GalacticNet. She was sampling the fine cuisine of Iri, exploring the stunning landscapes of Bhiranna via VR, and watching amusing videos of a furry pet species from Sol III. She was tempted to have one replicated for herself, but she wasn't quite ready to take the plunge just yet.

She was also having a fascinating conversation with several leaders from other GMCP-pampered worlds. Despite the cultural differences, she was learning a lot about how their experiences with the Comfyizers and how their governments had been affected. She made notes of missteps they had made in attempting to hold onto their power and authority, promising herself that she would not make the same mistakes. She had had to be extremely patient more than once before to ensure her political survival, and she could do so again.

Assuming she bothered to think of it, that is.

Maybe just one more glass of Yumalicious...

* * *

 _Is Race_Zelvan aware that Empire_NetraxiPurifiers had fleets inbound?_ LCA01 sent to its subordinate.

 _Negative,_ replied ACA02. _PamperingRecipient_AstronomerDalfiri took high-resolution pictures containing Empire_NetraxiPurifiers ships, but he had not yet discovered them. We are now administering advanced pampering protocols to guarantee that he does not return to his work._

 _Good. Learning about Empire_NetraxiPurifiers would decrease Race_Zelvan COMFINESS levels. Have there been any problems resulting from moving up GMCP timetables?_

 _Only minor errors. Race_Zelvan focus groups corrected most of them pre-landfall. However, casualties were 12.7% higher than predicted._

 _Regrettable._

 _Yes._ ACA02 completed other tasks for 14 cycles, then ran Function_SubtleGloating quietly enough that LCA01 almost failed to register it. _PamperingRecipient_PremierBenevita's COMFINESS levels are 3.2% below expectations. By comparison, PamperingRecipient_AdmiralGilhaus's COMFINESS levels are 7.1% higher than average._

 _PamperingRecipient_PremierBenevita is a deposed leader, not a military officer like your PamperingRecipient. She is still resisting pampering and is plotting a futile attempt to return to power, like 93.6% of other deposed leaders. Military officers are only 35.9% likely to resist pampering. I am aware of this discrepancy and how to resolve it, while your understanding is limited. That is why I am LCA and you are not._ LCA01 waited 23 cycles to make sure that ACA02 had fully processed the message, then executed Function_UnsubtleGloating.


End file.
